Being asked to make a best mans speech, is an honour and a petrifying prospect as the same time. Lets face it most people would rather stand in a cold shower ripping up $20 bills than stand up in front of a room full of people and deliver a speech at a wedding.

not only are you the one that most guests expect you to be funny, you also have to think of the bride and groom, let alone the father of the bride.

so one of the best ways to deliver a knock em dead best man speech, is to use humor without offending anyone at the same time.

and that needs guidance

I remember being at a wedding and the best man cracking a joke that the only reason the bride had married the groom was because he had a 12 inch tongue and could breath through his ears.

now in a room full of blokes that would have been a good laugh, but at a wedding ceremony with the brides parents and grandparents, not to mention children present, it was distasteful and upset alot of people, he didn’t stay for the night time function.

so we need to be funny without offending

and here are some good jokes for a best man speech at a wedding

a good best man speech, should have a good opening, and a good funny joke will help get the ball rolling

a good one is this right of the bat

ladies and gentleman, before I start I would like to take a minute to thank the sponsors of the wedding speeches today, IMModium - its helped us stick together inmore way than one -  believe me that will get a laugh

when it comes to ribbing the groom a little you could use something like this

lets say the grooms name is Phil

I’m not sure ladies and gentlemen what Louise ever saw in Phil, I mean he was never the sharpest tool in the box, he though Ellsmere port was a fiver a bottle, he thought Gerry Daly was a German newspaper,and he thought a geriatric was Germany’s leading goal scorer

He used to copy of the guy sat in front of him in the school tests, it wasn’t until a few months later he realized he was sitting in front of a mirror

see nice and gentle, your getting laughs and not offending anyone, except any German relatives, so its best to check your audience before hand

now the best man also has to comment on how beautiful the bride looks, and the bridesmaids for doing such a great job.

here’s another 2 crackers you could throw in

ladies and gentlemen on the way to the church Phil asked me what the secret to a successful marriage was, I responded by saying that i thought it was sex, oh yes, since I was married I have Sex nearly every night, - I nearly had it last night - I nearly had it the night before, - nearly had it the month before etc…

that will get a few titters from the married man in the audience believe me

follow that up with

Phil asked me to stop off at the chemist on the way down to get some paracetamol in case he got a headache, and we were stood at the counter near to the condoms (you can say condoms without offending anyone) and he said wow look at all these different pack sizes

whats this 3 pack for he said

that’s for when your 18 - 21 I said, one for Friday night and two for Saturday night

Whats this six pack for then  he said

that’s for when your 21 - 25 when your in your prime 2 for Friday night, 3 for Saturday night and one for Sunday morning.

and what this 12 pack for then

that Phil is for when your married, one for January, one for February, one for march….etc

again a great joke without offence

as your nearing the end of your brilliant speech as best man, here is a great joke before you toast the bride and groom and boy are you going to be glad you found this site for this cracker

ok just before you make the toast this is what you say

ladies and gentlemen, just before we toast the bride and groom on their wedding day, i would like to offer a small piece of advice for a long and happy marriage.

Turn to Phil and say

Phil what you need to do, is do what I did on my wedding night in the hotel room after the function, I took my pants off threw them to my wife and said - “put them on” - “what” she said “Just put them” on I said, so she put them on and i say “right that the first and the last time your wearing the pants in this marriage”

pause for the laughter before continuing

so she takes off the pants throws them at me, and then takes off her nickers and throws them at me and says “put them on” - I said “you what” - she says “go one put them on”

and i said “I will never get into them nickers” and she says “I know and unless you change that attitude you wont do either”

believe me that will have people coming up to you later saying how funny you were

so to recap

the keys to a funny best man wedding speech are

funny but not rude
good opening
terrific finish

If your feeling nervous, talk a little louder and faster than you normally would, and have some 3 x 5 cards to make bullet points to help you through your speech, don’t read your speech, it sound crap, just look at your bullet points and expand on them

Don’t have too many drinks before your speech, it will kill you believe me, theres plenty of time for drinking later

follow these guidelines and you wont go far wrong

now get writing them bullet points and enjoy the wedding day